History Repeating Itself? This Time WILL be Better!

Life has been absolutely crazy lately and it has been nearly six months since I’ve made a blog entry! I’ve always struggled with priorities in my adult life… trying to make a decent living for my family; constantly traveling while Mathew was growing up; living away from my family for a year when we relocated to Atlanta… the usual stuff which I partially attribute to coming into adulthood in the “me years” of the materially-oriented 1980’s and the fact my father always worked more than one job.

As I grow older, I’m fortunate that I have the opportunity to have a second “only” child. With kids 12 years apart, there’s very little overlap with them living at home. For the first six years of Allison’s life, everything was a bit strange having two kids vying for attention. But then things fell back into a familiar mode when Matthew went off to college and became fiercely independent. It made me realize that I am uniquely lucky because I get the “fix” everything that I did wrong the first time as a parent of an “only” child.

Now, that I’ve proven myself (at least in my own mind), I travel less and try to be home before 7pm each night for dinner. I can’t help but think that I’m slipping back into my old ways, at least just a little. In 4 short weeks I’m off to live in California without Debbie and Allison. Absence does make the heart grow fonder but I can’t help but think that this is history repeating itself!

The difference this time is the length of time we’ll actually be separated. It should only be a few weeks before they join me and regular visits are already scheduled. Maybe I have matured because I know that this time WILL be different.

Missing Link

Fall is undoubtedly the best time of the year in Georgia. Crisp air, amazing natural beauty and dozens of things to do on a daily basis. Some of the activities are "traditional" to our family unit.... like going on the hay ride at Burt's Pumpkin Farm (www.burtsfarm.com) or going to the petting zoo and riding the mountain slide at Hillcrest Orchards (www.hillcrestorchards.net). We've been doing these things for the last 15 years so I equate them to visiting old friends each year.

Last night Debbie, Allison and I did something else that we used to do on Fall evenings... we went to a marching band festival at the high school Matt graduated from two years ago. Don't get me wrong, we had a great time and it was nice to connect with people we hadn't seen in a few years... but it wasn't the same by any stretch of the imagination. There were only a handful of people that we knew since most of Matt's friends had graduated before or when he did.

Then it dawned on me. When your family unit matures and the kids grow up and leave the "nest" you do things not because of habit, but to maintain some sense of the family that had when it was best in your mind. It's obviously not our preference to have our son 1700 miles from home attending school, but as long as he's happy we can live with it and support it.

Possibly to compensate for the distance, both Debbie and I keep in touch with a few of Matt's friends. In the photo with Debbie and Allison is Tom Fleming. Tom is like an older brother to Allison and is a great guy. So, for a short time last evening, he joined the family as Allison's older brother. She sat in his lap then did what only Allison could do to a brother... she gave Tom a "raspberry" which landed spittle all over his face. He gracious wiped it off then tickled her like her brother would have. It was actually a moment of serenity as well as forgetting the distance for her... and for us.

So thanks Tom. And to Matthew (who will eventually get around to reading this)... We miss you. Hurry home.

Choices Abound

We all make important choices in life. One of the choices I made was to marry my best friend which has worked out very well. It has brought two great kids and a wonderful life. Another choice brought us to Atlanta and has kept us here longer than we ever imagined. But as I move through life, I find choices become easier to make. Through experience, one learns that if you don’t like what you’ve decided you can reverse the decision and go down a different path. It becomes easier with age.

There are some major choices facing our family right now. Choices that will decide the course of our lives to come – both short and long-term. For instance, Debbie has made a choice to return to work. This choice will affect all of our lives. In some ways good, in some ways not so good. But the bottom-line is if it doesn’t work out, she’ll choose another path.

I observe Allison make choices on a daily basis and its fun to watch. Does she take a shower or a bath… does she read a book or watch TV… does she do her homework or fight with Mom and Dad. The thought process is amazing. She sometimes puts her finger on her cheek and actually contemplates her actions. She’s learned early that if she doesn’t like the choice she’s made, it’s easily remedied through what she does best… manipulation.

As we head to California over the next few days choices will present themselves. I wonder where they’ll take us.

Life is truly an adventure.

Patience - Definitely a Virtue

Softball season started today and it got me thinking about all of the sporting events that my kids and I have participated in over the years. Allison is somewhat of a gifted softball player. She’s a strong hitter; she can aim and throw very well and is an excellent team player. It got me thinking about what my father used to say about me and my short-lived basketball playing “career.”

He tells the story that I had the ball passed to me exactly once during the season. To my father’s horror, I shot the ball to the wrong basket. As I was playing, I had no clue… no concept… of what was going on around me. The ball ultimately didn’t remotely hit the basket, but every chance my dad gets to remind me of this fact, he does.

There’s one thing I definitely learned from this experience – the importance of explaining the game to the kids. They need to understand how the game works. They need to understand what they do has direct consequences for their teams and themselves. There are some amazing life lessons in kid’s sports.

Allison always listens and takes in the information about the game. Whether she acts on the information depends on the way she’s feeling at that particular moment.

It took me until this time in my life to realize that it takes real patience to let them make their mistakes. Matthew had a similar experience to my basketball trauma… He ran the wrong way dribbling a ball into the wrong goal in soccer. Unlike my father does to me, I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it to Matthew again.

I thought about how I could prevent Allison from suffering the same embarrassment that Matthew and I had. It was a simple fix – just take time and explain the game. I had an Epiphany!

Patience with kids is definitely learned. And it’s taken me more than 19 years of fatherhood to realize this. Each and every day I become more patient with Allison and I think it’s actually paying off! Don't get me wrong...she still knows how to pull the strings!

So to my son (who’s probably reading this message), I’m sorry if I was ever short with you when you were a child. Its tough being a 20-something year-old-man with the weight of the world on your shoulders trying to make a mark. Someday you’ll truly understand.

The Roar of the Engines Equals Multiple Lives

The roar of the jet engines make me realize that I have multiple lives.

Let me recap the last week which brought me to this realization. Last Tuesday my son Matthew and I embarked upon a cross-country venture from our home in Georgia to Arizona State University so he could begin his sophomore year. Long and short of it, it was one of the best weeks of my life. I got to understand Matthew on a new level and realized that besides being my one and only son, he is also one of my best friends. He has grown up and become the son that I always imagined. All of that “caring and kind” bullsh*t is definitely there… the things the father is always expected to say of his children. But with Matthew, it’s wrapped up in a complex combination of a caustic whit that would make anyone laugh and an undying dedication to his family, no matter what sarcastic comment may come out of his mouth.

When we left on Tuesday, we both made fun of Debbie when she teared up when we were driving out of the driveway. But I felt that same sick pang come over me when we were at the airport and he was squeezing me tighter than he ever has. I think the realization of the miles has finally set in. One of my “lives” is the relationship with my son and the fact my heart will always be with him wherever he may travel. I understand how my parents felt when I left California.

But as I fly on today, it gets a bit easier knowing that my wife and daughter will be picking me up at the airport in Atlanta upon my return. Anticipating my daughter running towards me with her arms outstretched has filled me with excitement since I haven’t seen her in nearly a week. This will mark the first time that Debbie has ever greeted me at the airport in Atlanta in nearly 15 years of living in the city and that thought is downright exhilarating! Of course I have an obligatory toy for Allison when I see her. The joy that toy brings to Allison will pale in comparison to the joy I’ll have by seeing her running to greet me at the airport.

Tonight I’ll hear about her experiences at her new school on her first week. Her teacher, her new friends, the fact that she got an A++ on her first assignment. I can’t wait to get back to my “main life” in Atlanta. People I love in an adopted city I adore.

Then there’s the other lives that I lead… one in Southern California with my parents and my sister – not to mention my wonderful 97-year-old grandmother and all of my aunts, uncles, cousins and friends who I left behind when we moved to Atlanta. It’s become increasingly harder to get the “fill of family” since the economy changed and my business changed and doesn’t require my presence as much in L.A. But in two short weeks, we’ll be there seeing everyone… sans Matthew, of course.

Then there’s another life in Arizona with my wife’s family. They are truly amazing people. So kind, caring and always there no matter what the circumstance. After nearly 30 years, I can’t tell the difference between blood relatives and my in-laws and that’s a very comforting feeling since so many people have issues with the families they marry in to.

Multiple lives. But a truly lucky guy. I love my circumstance. Now if I could only convince Matthew to move back to Georgia or my boss to allow me to move back West it would all come together. But for now, I’ll accept it and move on… happily.

The Family - Introduced

Having two kids was always the goal. Having them twelve years apart wasn't in the plan. You never know what life is going to throw at you...

Both my kids are both terrific.

Matthew is 19 and industrious, enterprising and completely in to the college scene. He's a rising sophomore at Arizona State University and asking him to come back to Georgia for the Summer was probably the worst punishment we could have imposed on him... even though it wasn't meant to be. He has assimilated very well into the college scene. Fraternity brother, marching band member, dorm resident and avid partier. He's doing "alright" in the grades department despite his learning disability. Matthew says he appreciates that Mom and Dad cover out of state tuition for a public school and an art degree. But deep down, I somehow think he feels he deserves it and there's a sense of entitlement.

Allison is 7 and smarter then she should be. She started 2nd grade just this morning and is studying pre-law. In the short time she's been a part of our lives, she's learned to become a skilled negotiator, almost always getting what she wants by a combination of manipulation techniques - crying, temper tantrums, being cute/adorable or whatever the situation calls for. She definitely knows how to work over Mom and Dad.

There is, of course, the "rock" of the family - my wife Debbie. Debbie is the mother you always wanted. She puts herself second to everything to cater to the kids and me. We've been married for nearly 24 years and everyday is better than the last. She's amazing and the kids take advantage every way they know how.

This blog will be the trials and tribulations of family life with two kids, with 12 years between. Their interactions, when together or apart, are definitely worth documenting.

I sincerely hope you join me on this journey through fatherhood.